I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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