is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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