you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm at about main and main street
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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