I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
