The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize