so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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