just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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