dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
