i need an iv and a liver transplant
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
