I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
