Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
