Three words: puerto rican gang bang
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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