Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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