he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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