Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
