were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
