who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
