Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
