how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
