Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
