Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
