Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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