My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
