I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
