ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Randomize
