she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
