I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
