we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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