And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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