I molested 6 butterflies tonight
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
