There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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