Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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