i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
