you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
