That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
