Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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