everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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