Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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