I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
