my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
