I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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