Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
