I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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