Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
