boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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