he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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