There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
