remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I could make wine with my vomit
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
