you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
