Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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