After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
