seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
