i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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