my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
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