this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
