we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
