I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
