i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
