I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
